People feel good when they win because they have prevailed over challenges and, many times, over other people. This may be true for the world in general, but it can spell disaster when the strategy is attempted in a relationship.

According to Jeffrey Rubin, a noted psychotherapist, more divorce cases arise as the result of partners who try to defeat each other when they have disagreements. Trying to best your partner converts them into your opponent. Even though one person may prevail, both individuals lose. At worst, the losing partner may even try to retaliate against the winner often at inappropriate times or in destructive ways.

The signs of a lack of effort in understanding may include talking over your partner and telling them what you want them to hear rather than hearing what they are trying to tell you. A discussion that turns into a debate does not always have a positive outcome.

Standing your ground in an argument can be replaced with efforts to negotiate or to improve the overall relationship. It involves really listening to the other person and trying to understand their point of view rather than becoming defensive. Trying to understand someone’s position may not mean you agree with it, but it does let the other person know that you are taking them and their concerns seriously.

The same can be said for many divorces in Wisconsin. Although divorce can be a highly stressful time and it can be easy to fall into the trap of needing to win at all costs, such a strategy can be harmful to your interests. An experienced divorce attorney can help you chose your battles and develop an effective strategy to reach your goals.

Source: Huffington Post, “Winning in a Relationship is a Losing Strategy,” Jeffrey Rubin, 6/15/2011