Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony may have divorced because of (alleged) infidelity, but according to marriage and relationship experts, theirs is not the typical reason for separating. Milwaukee residents, like most other normal people, are less likely to divorce because of one major reason and more likely to end their marriages because of reasons that are simple, everyday and “boring.”
That last adjective comes courtesy of Pamela Haag, a marriage expert who wrote a book called “Marriage Confidential.” She said most couples divorce because of a build-up “mundane, dreary, boring problems,” like dissatisfaction with intimacy, the slow accumulation of small annoyances and the snuffing out of the romantic flame.
Around 60 percent of divorces in the U.S. come from “low-conflict marriages,” according to marriage researcher Paul Amato. The term “low-conflict marriage”
basically refers to couples who do not have many explosive fights or frequent long-running disagreements, but do have simmering points of unhappiness or dissatisfaction.
In fact, in many divorces, there is not even one distinct reason that drives people to file, said Edward Hallowell, the director of the Hallowell Centers for Cognitive and Emotional Health and an author on the topics of marriage and divorce. Rather, it’s a collection of small things – a bundle of straw that breaks the camel’s back rather than a single strand, so to speak.
If you are not pleased with your marriage, it might not be a bad idea to spend some time alone and do some thinking. Are you interested in keeping the marriage intact? If you are, a consultation with a relationship or marriage therapist might do the trick, or at least give you the feeling that you did what you could to keep the marriage going. If you realize you are just not happy with your marriage, hopefully this information has dissuaded you from thinking that you should not seek a divorce just because there is not one big reason making you feel divorce might be a good idea. Many people divorce because their marriage has simply come to its natural endpoint, so you would be far from the only couple to do so.
Source: The Kansas City Star, “Till tedium do us part: Couples who want to avoid divorce had better sweat the small stuff,” Heidi Stevens, Sept. 8, 2011
Winning can lead to losing when it comes to relationships
People feel good when they win because they have prevailed over challenges and, many times, over other people. This may be true for the world in general, but it can spell disaster when the strategy is attempted in a relationship.
According to Jeffrey Rubin, a noted psychotherapist, more divorce cases arise as the result of partners who try to defeat each other when they have disagreements. Trying to best your partner converts them into your opponent. Even though one person may prevail, both individuals lose. At worst, the losing partner may even try to retaliate against the winner often at inappropriate times or in destructive ways.
The signs of a lack of effort in understanding may include talking over your partner and telling them what you want them to hear rather than hearing what they are trying to tell you. A discussion that turns into a debate does not always have a positive outcome.
Standing your ground in an argument can be replaced with efforts to negotiate or to improve the overall relationship. It involves really listening to the other person and trying to understand their point of view rather than becoming defensive. Trying to understand someone’s position may not mean you agree with it, but it does let the other person know that you are taking them and their concerns seriously.
The same can be said for many divorces in Wisconsin. Although divorce can be a highly stressful time and it can be easy to fall into the trap of needing to win at all costs, such a strategy can be harmful to your interests. An experienced divorce attorney can help you chose your battles and develop an effective strategy to reach your goals.
Source: Huffington Post, “Winning in a Relationship is a Losing Strategy,” Jeffrey Rubin, 6/15/2011
Consider the tax implications of Wisconsin divorce
It seems natural to consider the tax consequences of financial decisions that we make, but many people overlook the fact that divorce involves making many financial decisions. Unfortunately, that often leads them to overlook the tax implications of their divorce agreement.
Whether you and your spouse are in agreement about nearly everything, or you are involved in a contentious battle, one thing is the same: your divorce will probably impact your taxes. It is important to consider the tax consequences of your divorce so that you can create a fair marital property settlement.
The following are some specific tax sensitive areas that should be considered by people who are considering divorce:
As you can see, the tax implications of a divorce are rather complex. Wisconsin couples who are considering a divorce, should consult with an experienced family law attorney who can walk them through these issues.
Source: Central Valley Business Times, “Tax provisions for 2011 regarding separation and divorce,” Alan Shattuck, Aug. 10, 2011
Health consequences may follow divorce
New research from the universities of Wisconsin and Chicago has found some surprising health consequences may follow divorce. While the findings are interesting, they by no means should be taken to indicate that divorce itself is unhealthy In fact, for many people it is the best option given their current relationship.
According to researchers, people who are divorced or widowed are 22 percent more likely than those who are married to have chronic health problems. Children of divorced parents can also suffer in school and can develop problems entering and maintaining relationships with they become adults.
Milwaukee readers should keep in mind that divorce could be a proxy for other things. If a divorce is stressful, for example, it could be the stress that leads to health conditions. While we have all heard stories about bitterly fought divorces that leave both parties hurt and angry, divorce does not have to be that way. And bear in mind that an unhappy marriage that continues past its expiration date can be stressful, too.
These days, many couples are turning to options like divorce mediation, which is supposed to make the whole process run more smoothly. In the event that divorce mediation is not right for your situation, hiring an attorney you trust and feel comfortable with will at least ease your mind by making you feel like your interests are protected and you are now less likely to get taken to the cleaners. One way to find an attorney you would like to work with is to contact your local bar association for a recommendation.
Source: The Herald-Tribune, “Silverberg: Divorce takes a toll,” Kathy Silverberg, Sept. 2, 2011.
A child-positive divorce can be fact, not fiction
True or false: divorce is invariably devastating to children.
The answer: false. A child psychologist who wrote a book on the behavior displayed by adolescents after their parents divorced said there is no question that children can thrive after their parents separate – as long as their parents do so with some thought and care.
There are plenty of frightening tales about the effects divorce has upon children, but in many instances, those stories contain merely a grain of truth and have been greatly exaggerated over time. It takes a little work to make sure your divorce is not unduly hard on your children, but it is not a Herculean task.
After one woman and her husband decided to divorce, for example, they made sure to stress to their two daughters that they would remain a family, that neither parent saw a divorce coming when they married and that each parent still loved both girls very much. It is probably a good idea to offer your children similar reassurances quite often. You may assume they already know you love them, but that’s the kind of thing it’s hard to repeat too often.
Another method many people have found to make divorce less acrimonious is to try divorce mediation. This less adversarial process doesn’t work in every circumstance, but in many cases it can be easier, cheaper and less draining for everyone involved than a traditional divorce might be.
If you and your spouse are thinking about separating, it might be best to speak to a family law attorney before the two of you agree on anything. Good divorce lawyers take the time to learn what sort of help and services you need and will be able to refer you to other professionals in the event that you need services, like financial advice or family counseling, which he or she cannot provide.
Source: The Wall Street Journal, “The Child-Focused Divorce,” Elizabeth Bernstein, Sept. 6. 2011.
Study finds men may gain weight after a divorce
Have you ever had a friend whom it seemed put on a few pounds after he got a divorce? You may not have been imagining it. A new study out of the University of Ohio in Columbus has found that while women tend to gain weight after marriage, men are more likely to gain weight after a divorce.
This study follows several others that have found other health risks associated with divorce, such as a shortened lifespan for divorced or widowed individuals and an increased susceptibility to chronic conditions. It is important to note, however, that these health consequences do not occur automatically when one divorces and can probably be overcome by consciously paying attention to one’s health.
The study’s author, a doctoral student in sociology at the University of Ohio, said that divorces for men and marriages for women seem to promote “weight gains that may be large enough to pose a health risk,” although in many cases the weight gain was not large enough to be a concern. In news coverage of his study, he has not publicized just how much of a weight gain may occur. Nor has he offered any reason for why men seem more likely to gain weight after a divorce, though some obvious factors may include changes in diet, exercise level and stress.
In both the case of women gaining weight after marriage and of men gaining weight after a divorce, the effects were less pronounced in people in their 20s and were more noticeable among those over 30. We gain weight more easily as we age, so there is obviously that correlation as well.
Of course, every person who is in the process of divorce has a laundry list of things to think about and health matters may not be tops on that list. It is vital to pay attention to one’s physical condition at any stage of life, however. If you are going through a divorce, make sure you do not forget to take care of yourself.
Source: United Press International, “Men pack on pounds after divorce,” Aug. 22, 2011.
Reasons for divorce often simmer, rarely boil over
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony may have divorced because of (alleged) infidelity, but according to marriage and relationship experts, theirs is not the typical reason for separating. Milwaukee residents, like most other normal people, are less likely to divorce because of one major reason and more likely to end their marriages because of reasons that are simple, everyday and “boring.”
That last adjective comes courtesy of Pamela Haag, a marriage expert who wrote a book called “Marriage Confidential.” She said most couples divorce because of a build-up “mundane, dreary, boring problems,” like dissatisfaction with intimacy, the slow accumulation of small annoyances and the snuffing out of the romantic flame.
Around 60 percent of divorces in the U.S. come from “low-conflict marriages,” according to marriage researcher Paul Amato. The term “low-conflict marriage”
basically refers to couples who do not have many explosive fights or frequent long-running disagreements, but do have simmering points of unhappiness or dissatisfaction.
In fact, in many divorces, there is not even one distinct reason that drives people to file, said Edward Hallowell, the director of the Hallowell Centers for Cognitive and Emotional Health and an author on the topics of marriage and divorce. Rather, it’s a collection of small things – a bundle of straw that breaks the camel’s back rather than a single strand, so to speak.
If you are not pleased with your marriage, it might not be a bad idea to spend some time alone and do some thinking. Are you interested in keeping the marriage intact? If you are, a consultation with a relationship or marriage therapist might do the trick, or at least give you the feeling that you did what you could to keep the marriage going. If you realize you are just not happy with your marriage, hopefully this information has dissuaded you from thinking that you should not seek a divorce just because there is not one big reason making you feel divorce might be a good idea. Many people divorce because their marriage has simply come to its natural endpoint, so you would be far from the only couple to do so.
Source: The Kansas City Star, “Till tedium do us part: Couples who want to avoid divorce had better sweat the small stuff,” Heidi Stevens, Sept. 8, 2011
Is Alzheimer’s an acceptable reason for a divorce?
People get divorced for many reasons, but should Alzheimer’s be one of them?
Conservative Christian minister Pat Robertson stirred up a minor scandal recently when he advised a caller to his television program “The 700 Club” that divorce would be okay if a spouse is in the final stages of Alzheimer’s. His view prompted much speculation and debate among family law practitioners, relationship experts and medical ethicists, which indicates that our society has yet to build consensus on how to treat those who have Alzheimer’s or other causes of mental decline.
Specifically, Robertson told the caller that the caller’s friend “should divorce (his wife) and start all over again, but…make sure she has custodial care, somebody looking after her.” He rationalized his decision by saying that marriage vows are dissoluble by death and that Alzheimer’s is “a kind of death,” since it marks the end of the person known to others and the start of someone with a new personality and diminished memories of the past.
Since many conservative Christians consider marriage to be the foundation of moral structure, other conservative Christian leaders reacted with surprised to Robertson’s apparent endorsement of divorce. One medical ethicist said Robertson’s view on the matter gives permission for the caregiver to move on, but does not take into consideration the patient.
On the other hand, other people have said they feel that a patient in the advanced stages of mental decline is not the same person who was healthy, so the bond created in marriage is dissolved by the person’s transformation. Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, for example, has said that she was not hurt when her husband, who had severe Alzheimer’s, fell in love with a woman at his care facility. She said the disease had taken away his memories and erased his feelings her, it was okay for him to develop feelings for someone else.
This could be one of those situations for which, at present, there is no correct answer. What are your thoughts? Is Alzheimer’s an acceptable reason to seek divorce?
Source: The New York Times, “Pat Robertson’s remarks on Alzheimer’s stir passions,” Erik Eckholm, Sept. 16, 2011.
Movies that may help children comprehend divorce
Many people in Milwaukee who have decided that divorce is the best option for them nevertheless worry about the impact the separation might have on their children. It can be hard for kids, especially younger ones, to envision the post-divorce future if they have nothing on which to model their expectations.
To provide examples so kids can develop an idea of what might lie ahead, family and relationship experts say it can be helpful show children movies with single parents as central characters. Seeing on-screen role models can help children develop ideas about what they might possibly expect.
Here are five movies with strong central characters who are single parents:
Source: Parenting, “11 Movies About Single Parent Families,” Christine Coppa, last accessed Sept. 21, 2011
Experts say divorcees must plan carefully for retirement
When you are in the throes of a divorce, it can be difficult to think of anything other than the matter at hand. Given how detailed divorce proceedings seem to be and how carefully attention must be paid to just about everything, that is, to a degree, understandable. Unfortunately, it seems that many divorced people do not think far enough ahead and are not saving enough for the single life ahead of them.
For instance, investment firm Charles Schwab recently found that while 85 percent of married Americans save for retirement, only about 67 percent of people who either have never been married or are divorced are doing the same. Retirement experts say both numbers should be higher, but the fact that single people are saving at a lower rate means they represent a demographic that seems to need more prodding.
One retirement expert said married people seem to save more because they are accountable to another person — a husband or wife. Single and divorced people do not have to answer to anyone and this creates the illusion that they can put off saving for retirement. Most financial and retirement experts would agree that it is never too early to start saving, so this impression can be bad if it lasts for too long.
A divorce expert also said that after a split, some people choose to “treat themselves” for awhile and then fall into a pattern of overspending that cuts into how much they can save. She said if you start saving right away, even if it is not much, you get used to the idea and it becomes a habit.
If you are interested in more information about being financially prepared, your attorney may have some websites or other resources to recommend. He or she will also likely know of a financial planner or other money-matters expert to whom you could be referred.
Source: Daily Finance, “Retiring Solo: Too Many Single and Divorcees Aren’t Saving Enough,” Catherine New, Sept. 14, 2011
Stressful divorces linked to increase in hair loss for women
Those who frequently read our Milwaukee divorce law blog may have come to the simple conclusion by now that the divorce process is complex. Not only do individuals suffer emotional pain when faced with the fact that their marriage is over, but recent studies have indicated that divorce can also take a toll on one’s physical health.
Last month, a study reported that men are more likely to gain weight after divorce. Our female readers may be happy to know that at least if their marriage fails they are less likely to gain weight after divorce, but women are not in the clear of dodging health concerns. Another study has indicated that divorce may actually cause hair loss in women.
So why is divorce affecting the health of men and women, and why are women more susceptible to losing their hair compared to men? For many, the answer is simple: divorce is stressful.
Those who are in the midst of a divorce have a lot on their mind. Divorce is a life-changing event. Living arrangements change, finances must be managed differently and families must adjust to following new visitation or custody schedules. All of these changes take place at the same time and can be very overwhelming if individuals do not have an attorney to guide them through the complex legal issues.
Both men and women experience stress during divorce, but the study suggests that women are more troubled by their emotions and all of the issues that must be addressed during divorce.
The study examined the correlation between one’s lifestyle and his or her hair pattern. Researchers analyzed how 84 female identical twins and 66 male identical twins were affected by external factors that are known to be linked to hair loss such as marital status, excessive sleep, tobacco use, sun exposure and alcohol.
The study concluded that women who were divorced or widowed experienced more problems with hair loss compared to women who were happy with their marriages. The majority of men experiencing hair loss was mainly due to genetics.
Although there is no scientific proof on how to prevent hair loss, individuals who work with an attorney during their divorce may experience less stress, and in turn preserve their health, knowing that their rights are properly being protected.
Source: The Huffington Post, “Hair Loss-Divorce Correlation: Study Suggests Splits Cause Hair Loss In Women,” Stephanie Hallett, Sept. 21, 2011